Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.