I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
don’t be scared
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger