Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot