I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.