Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I’d use my best pan on you.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered