I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
White parent Vs Arab parents
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”