Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

My daily affirmation

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.