I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
ouch
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!