I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.