I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
how to have fun when you’re poor
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.