I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
You Might Also Like
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.