I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
🔦🌙👣
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.