I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
lol
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this