Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?