“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
3% human
97% stress
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying