Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”