Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

It’s the weekend y’all

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

*exercises sarcastically*

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars