I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
This one, by a wide margin
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*