I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.