Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

😂

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.