Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Pandas 🐼🖤

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days