Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Please vote for people who are attractive