Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”