I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book