I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Hotels are back
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer