I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.