Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies