Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

We avoided this particular disaster

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.