Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.