I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.