Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Meeeee too!

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

not for long

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit