I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
You Might Also Like
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.