I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Body by cheese-puffs.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.