I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Best spot.. 😅
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.