Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

selena gomez

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed