Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

*seductively corrects your posture*

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.