Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.