I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
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If looks could kill
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Did my cat write this
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I put the mess in domestic.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Ok but actually
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
seems fine