Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.