I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I know this now 😂
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
no cat here
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.