Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes