Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry