I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop