Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*