Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

it takes so much energy

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.