Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

That earthquake could have been an email.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]