Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.