Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

tfw you realize …

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”