Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

rip to my favourite tweet

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Super Hand Dog Face

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.