Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.