Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

my dad has had enough

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?