Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Watson was Holmes schooled

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Me irl

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault