Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian