Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Cartman: Respect my
a a

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Just had my nails done!

12. I think about this all the damn time

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant