Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting