“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
You Might Also Like
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*