Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.