I’m sorry…what?
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
become ungovernable
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
how to exercise your calf muscles
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
How to shape your eyebrows
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