I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.