Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Lmao

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”