I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again