I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing