I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending