I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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That time Alicia messaged me
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
certified hallow’s eve classic
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.