Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

No. YOU-buprofen.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme