I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
