Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?