I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Spotted in the wild
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My boss called in sick of me