I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
like swimming in quick dry cement
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*