I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
That’s what I call a flat tire
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?