Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.