I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
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Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
This checks out
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My dress code is business-casualty.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]