I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
You Might Also Like
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.