I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
podcasts
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Why soy sad?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
This story is comedy gold 😂
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Worst bar ever.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*