I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Received some very disappointing news today
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Meeeee too!
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.