I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
bias laundering edition
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing