I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Just why bro?!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake