I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
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banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
They got Raph!
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Huge if true.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce