I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
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Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man