Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?