Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Hey! This isn’t my car!

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.